This will be a place to reflect on lessons I have learned and continue to learn as I journey through this thing called life.
Chapter One-Awareness and Healing
I began my journey, so I thought, four years ago. I was wrong. My journey has been my whole life. Sadly, in my youth, I had no idea how and why the situations I experienced, by choice or forced upon me, would mold and form me into who I am today. I am pliable, in a good way, as I continue to heal, grow, learn, and stare discomfort in the face. I have learned to strengthen my boundaries and to create a protective shield. I am careful in an intuitive way to allow certain people or things in and let other things and people go that do not add value to my life. It is a balancing act, if you will, not forcing things and letting things go. Life continues to shift and open pathways and doors to bring my mind, body, and soul into harmony. It has been quite a journey so far. One I do not regret and would never change.
Lessons of life. So, life throws you into a chasm then you claw and fight to climb to the surface and somehow learn lessons from the struggle. Seems almost heroic as one struggles to save themselves from the pits of hell to learn life’s nuggets to survive and thrive. Perhaps in fabulous fictional stories the transformation of the heroine may be akin to this process, but in real life—–lessons take time to sort and absorb.
Life can lift you to the tops of mountains and plunge you to the depths of your soul. Life is not fair. Accepting life on its terms is humbling. Life cares not and does not wait forever for you to embrace what it offers. It will move on just as time itself. Being present in that moment of your life-embrace all that it is-take what you need. For that moment does not last-it will be gone. The shadow of that moment is a memory. Some memories warm our hearts and some memories are nightmares- creating scars. The sting of those scars ease; yet, the scar is a reminder what will never be again. The scars are the remnants of the lessons. Life is harsh and cruel and it can be kind and gentle. ” It is what it is”-a saying that echoes off my lips often as a reminder to myself of acceptance.
Abuse is insidious. It happens in the darkness, behind closed door, and envelopes you in a fog of confusion, shame, self doubt, and crazymaking. It happens slowly and meticulously. My abuser knew what he was doing-he was cunning-even admitted to his deceit. He had crafted his tactics with precision. One tactic my abuser used was giving me gifts as a way to silence my reactions to his abusive behavior. Later, the gifts could be weaponized and became spears thrown as warnings not to question his behavior. Abuse is a choice. It is a choice.
Speak your truth. I speak about my abuse. It does not keep me in a victim state. My story, like everyone, needs to be told. It may help another. It helps me. I no longer care what people say about me. That is their opinion. Their opinions bounce off. I see their opinions differently-perhaps as a reflection about themselves. Speaking my truth is empowering. I took my power back from anyone who I allowed or stole it. Protect your boundaries. Your boundaries are for you and how you want and deserve to be treated.
Triggers can be loud reminders of what you endured. Triggers can be quiet reminders of what you will not tolerate. They can come from the most unlikely, surprising places. It could be a smell, a comment, a movie, a routine, or someone’s mannerism. It sneaks up without warming. The heat rises in your body and your mind tries to process the uncomfortable memory. In time, the triggers lessen. Your mind knows that the memory can’t hurt you anymore. Creating new, joyous memories is growth. The darkest of memories will not be forgotten. They are a part of you now. They will not hold the same power they once had.
Healing from abuse is not linear. It is like riding a roller coaster. It is much like life itself. Sometimes coming back up the hill may be more daunting for an abuse survivor. Bouncing back is not as smooth. In the darkest moments of despair, there is not light, no hope, at least none that seems to be attainable. It feels like bobbing in a vast ocean. One moment you are up taking a breath, trying to enjoy life and the next you are under wondering how do I keep doing this day after day. Hope, the intangible idea, that drives humans is now a distant memory, Finding hope again seems insurmountable. You will find it in the depths of your soul. It is there. Digging it back out is part of the healing. Some days the shovel is weighted like Thor’s hammer. You are worthy-you have always been. You are worthy and have always been enough. You will lift hope back into your life.
Words are so misleading. You want to believe/trust when someone promises you something. However, words can hold a false sense of security and can be manipulative. If words are not followed by action, words are just words. I rely on action to uncover a person’s true character. Words are used as pleasantries between acquaintances. Words can inspire someone to action so long as the motive is pure and genuine and not selfish. Words are used to create future faking-making promises that will never be kept. The old adage-“actions speak louder than words” is so true. Words without action are meaningless.
Resilience and not strength. I would hear how strong I was to overcome abuse and the mayhem that transpired trying to leave and legally distance myself from my abuser. Giving strength to the abuse or to the broken judicial system that betrays abuse victims is a tremendous insult. People do not understand who have never endured abuse or the insanity that ensues trying to disconnect legally. Statistics show that it takes 7 times for a victim to leave their abuser. Once you leave your abuser, the judicial system does not protect or secure your rights. The abuse victim will continue to be abused in tandem between the family court system and the post separation wrath the abuser hurls. We have a will to survive. Resilience will lead to thriving in life. Every day getting up and completing simple human tasks can be taxing for an abuse survivor. Some days can be overwhelming, you have set backs, and you question it all. Be proud of getting up, taking a shower, getting to work on time, eating, and getting sleep. One day basic tasks do not feel as daunting. I can’t say when resilience starts to become thriving because healing is not linear, triggers continue yet lessen, and life isn’t fair. You will start to have more good days than ok or awful days. Resilience will lead to a positive and rewarding outcome. Resilience will lead to thriving in life.
Chapter 2-Dating While Healing
I wanted to believe healing had an endpoint. Trumpets blasting recognizing my accomplishments or a finish line banner I could tear through to reveal I had completed this journey. Something to know I had arrived and completely healed from the damage abuse had forged. Healing does not have a conclusion. Healing is an ongoing process. It is a continual adjustments to life experiences. You become aware of others and more importantly yourself as you navigate this thing called life.
Since healing does not possess closure, you will need to ponder if I’m ready to enter the dating arena once more. Ready-such an interesting word. I could say prepared; yet, who is completely prepared for unknowns. Unknowns exist at every corner of life. So, I will use the word ready. You will need to decide what are your readiness metrics. Deciding what you want, what are non negotiables, will I be aware of deal breakers, will I fall back into prior habits, and will I have the confidence to express undesirable behavior/actions displayed by others.
Dating apps will test your metrics. It will reveal a lot about yourself. Dating today is a completely different animal. Social media conveys a plethora of advice about dating. I would take what resonates. There is not one formula that is better than another. Listen for common suggestions and start with that. Using dating apps can be, at first, quite the dopamine high. There are stages of using the apps you will travel through as you explore this new style of dating. My exposure has been limited . I was in the infancy stage when I started 4 months ago. I may have reached the toddler stage now after some interesting interactions. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions-highs and lows-excited and exhaustion to deletion of profiles and apps and then trying again. Eventually, through your experiences, you will become more skilled at using the apps and the emotions balance to a more even level.
A lot of times it is not about you. It is more you are not the person they are looking for. Or you have learned to hold boundaries and you no longer tolerate rude and controlling behavior. Hopefully, you don’t take it personally. If you do, that is your awareness that something inside you needs a little more work. Embrace this new journey and find joy in getting to know yourself and becoming the best you. You will attract what you want becoming the best you possible.
Chapter 3-Dating-Hell or Embrace the Journey
You will need to decide for yourself if dating is hell or a wonderful journey that will challenge a different mindset. At first, I was so excited about the possibility of using my new found skills and established boundaries to find “Mr. Right”. My track record and past magnetism to addicts and toxic partners was such a lovely baseline that I figured the only way to go was up to a more valued man. Even as I scribe these words, I am laughing at this formidable theory. In reality, my interactions over the last few months have revealed that while I would enjoy being in a relationship with a man that brings value to my life-I have discovered the love for myself and who I am. The self-love, peace, health and safety life has to offer are by far the greatest gifts I can bestow upon myself. I will continue this venture of dating knowing that I am looking for a partner to add to my already amazing life.
What have I unearthed, so far, in my dating journey. First, I learned what catfish means and how to detect romance scammers. In the beginning, I was romanced scammed two times in a row. I laugh now. No money was lost in these two initial connections-just my pride. The first match on a popular dating app was a learning lesson for later interactions. Profiles should be verified and one can do a reverse Google search on the photo. Stay on the app until you have actually met in person. The scammer professed strong feelings early on and scammers seem to be involved in overseas construction projects. You can report scammers on dating apps so long as they have not deleted their profile. Sadly, they will delete their profile from the dating app once they gain your cell number. Later, I chose to get a Google Voice App number to protect my personal cell number.
I also learned that editing my profile to include my wants and updating pictures were necessary. I did not want pen pals and chatting on the app for a week should lead to setting a date. Otherwise, I was ready to rename dating apps-chat apps. (Some people just wanted to chat for validation purposes and had no intention of using the app for its purpose) Pictures should be current and show a variety of activities. Facial pictures with no filters along with full body pics are important. They should be quality pictures of yourself only. I learned to pay attention to profile pics, lack of full body pics, too many people in pics, and read what was said and not said in bios especially if you are looking for a particular height in men. From my experience, subtract 3 inches from their bio height to reduce disappointment if height is important.
I have experienced interactions and dates that both surprised me and were painful to endure. I have chatted with men that were delightful to talk to on the apps and then disappeared. Mutually matched with someone only to be unmatched. A date that disappeared upon returning from the restaurant bathroom only to read his text to join him in the parking lot to avoid paying the tab. Update-I text him back that the waitress was bringing the tab and he did reappear only to disappear again after refusing to join him at his abode. To setting up a date on the phone and discovered I was talking to an angry boy not a man to a person who identified himself as a “dragon” and wanted to show me that evening. Of course, I declined both. However, the discussion about the term “dragon” was amusing with coworkers and family. I have experienced compatibility and intellectual conversation yet no chemistry on a date to a controlling date where my Spidey senses were unnerved. He picked up the chair with me in it so I could be closer to him and later telling me to put my food down so I would listen to his continual storytelling about himself. After sending an honest message concerning a lack in matching energy, I received a scathing response, and he wanted me to reimburse him for my meal. Of course, I was unmatched after he knew I had read his rant. So, the saga continues.
Here are my takeaways from my interactions so far. These are my thoughts and opinions-take what you want. A connection should be peaceful. Constant disconnect and confusion is a sign that it is not meant to be. How you feel about someone vs. how they make you feel is different. How someone makes you feel is your answer. It is related to their actions or lack of actions. Careful about anxious attachment style-don’t project your image of what you want them to be. Get to know the person authentically-go slow-they should add value to your life. Masculine men lead and create safety and security for women. A person with unhealed trauma or wounds will reveal this in their conversations-listen carefully and be aware. Discussing their exes or past relationships with disdain is a red flag. Everyone has a past-leave the past there and move forward. Nice guys vs. kind guys. Nice guys have garbage brains-they want something back-baiting, an outcome, or needing something. Kind guys are aligned with their character, here to serve, nothing back, he is enough for himself. If I guy has to tell you he is kind, it is a red flag. Retreat and go no contact/block when your boundaries are not respected and when your “Spidey sense” are alarmed. Listen to your body. I am still learning. Good luck out there in the dating world whether it is your personal fresh hell or a journey you are embracing.
Chapter 4-It is All About You
I finally realized after several attempts to date that it wasn’t for me. At least-not now. Sure, finding a partner who truly, authentically supported my endeavors would be amazing. However, it has always been about me and what I can bring to the table for myself. It was never a someone-it was me, myself, and I the whole time. No one was coming to “save” me. You save yourself with the loving support from your inner circle and therapy. My support team or inner circle is my family. My three adult children and their spouses have been my inner circle support. They have been and continue to be what challenges me to be the best human, make a difference, enjoy life, and do what makes me happy. I have other family members beside my grown children that have provided support as well as some friends. One friend in particular is my “ride or die”. She has been with me the whole time through the good, bad, and the ugly. I have found pure joy and excitement tapping into the creativity and dreams I pushed aside to support another human only to realize no reciprocity existed. The gifts I had been given now surge with unbelievable passion. I choose me and it is not selfish. I drive to thrive and enjoy being present and what life has to offer. I can’t wait to see what 2024 has in store.
Chapter 5-Reflection
I took a survey in therapy and thought I had progressed forward in my healing. I still have some unresolved damage to battle. The survey revealed my personal life is moving forward with many awarenesses and acceptances but one-trust. Lack of trust is an inevitable result of surviving an abusive relationship. I must analyze my current growth about trust. Do I have the foundation and skill sets now to recognize truth? Yes, I do. Do I hold my boundaries with more strength now. Yes, I do. Therefore, from a logical standpoint-trust should not be a current battle. Then, why do I find myself feeling guilty about my reactions to encounters. I find myself questioning other’s motives. I hear their words but do their actions match? I have to remind myself that there is so much around me that I can’t control. I can control how I react and my thinking. I must challenge my thinking. Does my thinking come from a place of facts and validity? Sadly, trust seems to be more prevalent in my profession and less personally. The survey revealed my profession is taking a toll on my healing and peace. I am an educator and have been for 28 years. I find most of what is happening in my profession is outside of my control; yet, I find myself continuing to advocate for teachers, students, and for public education. I am trying to accept that repairing education is a bigger challenge than I can battle myself. I have a choice. Should I let go now or continue. If I continue, how will I protect my peace in the next few years? I will need to trust my own process of deciding. If I am to make a change, it will need to come from me. Every change in my healing process has come from within. Yes, I reached out and received support from many in my healing journey. Now, I will take the knowledge I have gained in my healing and decide what is best for me.
Chapter 6-On to Better Times
I can’t believe 2024 is almost done. It has been a year of taking care of me and what I want. I have taken days off from work and travelled. I completed two mountain hikes this year and looking forward to a snowy hike perhaps February 2025. I have published my first children’s book and currently working on two novels. Being a writer has always been my dream. My children have encouraged me to create a plan of action before I retire. I have been keeping a journal of the places I want to experience and contemplating where I want to live. It brings me such joy and peace to see where my life is. As I reflect back where I came from and where I am today, I really can’t put it into words. I am in awe of the process, the journey. I have to pinch myself. I want to live in the present and enjoy what life has to offer. I hope time will grace me with the ability to do the things I have planned. Until 2025, I send hope, grace, and a squeezy hug for life should be lived.
Chapter 7-And So, It Begins
The year of 2025 was the quiet and peace needed for the new season approaching. The transcendence to the next level of your existence is such a peculiar awakening. You are not sure what is happening, but the evidence points to this change. You see things that you never saw before. Things hit you differently. The rebirth of your soul much like the Phoenix takes flight. The peace takes hold over the chaos, and the universe begins to align. The fog begins to clear, and direction feels natural. Do not force life but let life guide you in the direction to become what you were meant to be. Yes, this year was the quiet, preparing for the launch of a new beginning. And so, it begins.
Mazy Meadow 